Just a few years ago
Crow on a brick
Legacy of Addiction
The place I go
Ode to Diane Nov 21, 1960-
Just a few years ago
Just a few years ago,
I felt as if I was crumbling.
Fear and panic brought me darkness,
I wept, cried, and with every foot in front of the other...
Seems I just kept stumbling.
I thought I was going mad,
when my friends and family looked at me;
They looked sad!
My fear had got so strong,
It was part of me for so long.
This guy in a white coat had seen my face,
he handed me a script with no warnings!
The tiny tabs had taken me out of this dark place.
Like a lamb, sooner or later;
a lion would chase!
I thought I was better,
I thought I was strong...
I had to keep taking these tabs,
within all that time, I was wrong.
Now I understand, I had been robbed,
My four years, much harder in those days...
We all had paper routes up hill both ways.
It seems there is no escape,
I know I will be ok...
Sadly, I hope one day.
I may have been fooled
I may have been wrong,
I may have taken this poison far too long!
I feel like I'm in a tower struck by lightning,
but across all this island of fear...
Is a safe place I will roam,
I just want to get back home.
In This Hard Time,
We Can All See...
That Covering Up Problems
Isn't The Key.
One Day I Hope I Can Look Back
And Think Of Life In A New Way...
In Hard Times, That's All We Can Say.
I Chosen This Mystery To Cover Misery,
But I Know There's A Light On The Other Side
That Shines Bright.
Live Life To The Fullest, All We Can Do...
Be Strong, Be Wise, This Light Shining Through.
Healing Takes Time, But When Time Is Due.
A New Chance And Hope At Life,
Deal With Problems...
Try To Stay Calm, Collective And Cool.
All Of This And Others That Heal...
Can Tell You This Is True.
Unto All, All And Rest...
I seek life, I climb and climb...
I go to extremes...
My life hung by a string...
It may seem.
I awake in the day,
I don't sleep much at night...
When I do,
It's all freight...
I know there on another year...
Awaits a better life;
As for now, Iím in strife...
To all and when all is done,
looking back in history...
All this will be a mystery.
Billy (July 2007)
Crow on a brick
I wonder what it's like within morning,
a morning with the crows,
Show me a light within darkness,
and a river inside the ocean that flows.
I'm tired indeed, I need to rest,
for I am sick...
I wonder there...
a crow on a brick!
Call out to the sea,
for this beast is behind me,
I hear a noise, a flock of red...
I'm tainted and tired...
for I'm tied within rivers of sheets,
I look, I hear the clock tick,
I assume a crow on a brick.
by Billy July 2007
Legacy of Addiction
Somewhere in the darkest hour,
seems to never end,
but always a day will begin.
These grim thoughts...
thick and thin,
seem to crawl beneath my skin.
"Legacy of Addiction"
What it's left me in!
Maybe it's a faraway light,
souls come looking through.
This tunnel of black and white,
or maybe it's life bringing
forth a clue.
"Legacy of Addiction"
What it's left me in!
By Billy (July 2007)
The chemicals rushed through my
blood stream; Four years, not knowing
what it was doing to me.
It was my life-saver at first washing
the fears away, but wasn't the key.
Here beneath us,
stone to stone,
bone to bone...
lies a skeleton called trust.
What I've done,
this pill dissolves,
my life revolves,
and I will win.
The pearls attach them-self...
only too relieve nothing,
The line stops...
the Raven dies...
becomes a dove,
and then the pressure
seething under becomes
By: Billy (July 2007)
For the ending is a gift,
to struggle, to be in misery,
In the phase of darkness...
all this time I'm spending;
A question mark of when?
I'm walking on a wire that is thin;
A message from heaven...
a new life it sends,
chemicals in my blood;
for I know sometimes it blends
like a flood.
Bells in my head,
and a tremor stabbing the bed!
I probe my eyes to the sky,
look deeply, it gives you a sign,
one day this will all be left behind.
The message, a secret code behind
and I can't see it...
for the ending is my call.
(Billy July, 2007)
The place I go
When I feel the desperation and misery
I go off to a place, Astrally-
This place with no name, only a feeling of
hope and a truth I can find.
Within the dark world of anxiety...
I banish the thoughts and try to shine.
You can't escape all...
but this is the place I go.
The days seem to hurry by at times,
but when they go slow...
I just hide and never show.
I lay in my bed and a dragon
runs through my head...
this beast of misery and chaos breaths!
I feel so alone, a four year blank
that deceived and didn't seize.
I can feel a breeze...
I just flow-
unto this place I go.
August/2007 By: Billy
Christopher, why did you listen?
Christopher, why did you do what they told you too?
Christopher, it was only a pill!
Christopher, did you think it was going to solve all your problems,
didn't you have a clue?
Christopher, you haven't failed just yet.
Christopher, you've only gotten' your feet wet.
Christopher, live and learn about these things!
Christopher, the day will come; you will sing.
Christopher, don't give up hope!
Christopher, I know your mind is hanging by a rope.
Christopher, you must live each day!
Christopher, woebegone...it'll all fade away.
Christopher, hang in there,
Christopher, that's all I can really say.
I remember when I took a pill,
thought it was helping;
I didn't feel ill.
I remember standing on the beach,
my sacred spot I loved,
I felt well then...
I would question who we are,
and look at this star.
I remember everything two or three years ago,
I was having fun, just visiting friends to and fro.
I never knew what my future held within this time,
sometimes life is hard too find.
I was so relaxed and would get in my car,
I drove to my sacred place;
looked up at my star.
I'm dim and that star still shines bright,
every now and then I still walk along the coast...
looking at its light.
Can this star or heavenly body hear?
Will I get better?
I may not I fear.
Off the Coney I look at this star.
Is my day of healing close or far?
A star symbolizes hope,
I hope too live again and not just float.
I'm a torn soul;
should I care?
a mysterious light is still shining in the sky there.
I try to lay down,
I try to sleep.
Seems every night is a slam!
I toss and turn, my body in pain.
I ask, "Oh dear Lord" will this ever go away.
Looking up at my ceiling, white walls, closing in...
day to day, this beast! Will I win?
I look across the city and see other lights within windows.
I have to wonder is anyone else wrapped in these dark shadows? Morning comes,
the Grim Tonic awaits! I know I must live on, I'll do whatever it takes. Day by
day, the sun, moon, and stars. I ponder upon things to come... near and far. I
know I'm in a tunnel of no light, it hides... within thinking of a brighter end;
I confine. Stop light, red and green... is everyday really what it seems? I
watch people walk by within this crowded city, I wonder with eyes of hope but
pity. To get to the point is really hard right now, but with help from others; I
will one.... day.... somehow.
Billy 2007/ October
The world around me seems unreal,
everything at times I cannot feel.
This world I have wondered into...
is cutting me,
deep and through!
The Grim Tonic of watering like a dead plant!
I feel so small at times, like an ant;
in this wicked world of withdrawal.
I fall, up again, and I crawl!
This isn't my life-
NO, not at all!
I follow the paths that lead me out,
I cover my head and nothing I feel-
this monster, I cast it out!
I use too sing, now I ball and shout!
Down the rabbit hole or through the mirror,
a little white pill I followed;
Now I cringe at it and feel so hollow.
I know this life is a mystery, how do I feel?
It's not a question, a lesson kept in time.
In this wonderland I sit, look at what I find!
Sometimes it takes someone long too realize...
the rabbit in the hat is a demon in disguise!
By: Billy Nov/07
It's so hard to
remember how everything felt before.
All the days, half
awake and half asleep was more than I could afford.
If money could pay
for all those days, my bank account would be torn.
I would pay a
million to wash this all away!
Like rain drowning
out the times within these days.
The FDA approved,
I thought it was OK....
just like the
stitch by stitch
sew it all together;
I'll live I hope,
I'll feel better.
I close my eyes,
take a breath, and breath.
We live, we die,
we learn, we're scared, we refuse to see.
change, phases come and go....
like the weather,
I begin to be
hopeless and flow.
been done before, should I care anymore?
I'm all broken by
the days in time, "on the floor".
We do not know,
all the signs come together,
just like the
it's ugly, it runs
through my body, it's frightening!
I didn't want it
too end like this, but my body is killing me.
Others look, I'm a
mask, I'm bone by bone, a mystery.
I try to sew these
patches up with stitches!
Don't pick at the
scab, let it heal, no more itches!
I hit the hole, I
what people don't
know, I'll never tell.
Like the song
says, I wanna live, I wanna love,
but it's a long
hard road out of hell!
I move all around,
I scream, the ups and downs.
chemicals, and ringing sounds!
My mind turns like
wheels in clouds, they go around.
The street creeps,
the lights lit up, chains and concrete!
A memory folded up
with a picture drawn, it flows down the street...
until it's gone.
My memory now
wasn't like it was then, when something is beat up...
it can't be
It seems like
there's a place so desperate and dark, you can't see the
Seems like nothing
you can do, but time takes a toll, I can't defend!
A rain sends a
message dripping, a question forcefully, the power of
With the eyes shut
looking upon the floor, a small light shines in,
and the window is
The eyes open,
it's so bright...
looking at this
spot on the floor, and a signal the weather will send,
the eyes seize
open and it's in reverse, dark again!
everything I forgot, the core, it's all there.
I seem to be going
backwards, I know now I care.
The memories will
the symptoms are
fading out, this darkness holding and gripping me
until the sunshine
This is my hope
and the day of an happy end.
He hasn't seen life in such a long time,
It died in the arms of an anchor;
so, how hard is this to explain?
He never left the house, he never wanted to see anyone.
Hail too he, to take it upon himself to take the symptoms so hard!
He was reminded so much of his father,
so he was banished into a medicated hypersensitive...
and can't trust anyone but doctors,
but how can I beg him to forgive them for prescribing a grim slice of so many
years under bridges with poisoned and dirty waters? He was silly, foolish, and
cowardly, if you asked me: frankly!
He don't know where to begin within his 28 odd years, he was silently suffering,
adapting perpetuating, cascading ,and enduring! Who is he?, of a younger
generation to tell people they have unresolved problems? There are too many
examples of methods and explaining of this excruciating pain.
How can one just throw words out like grieve, heal, recovery, and mourn? He
feels fine, though he wasn't born as awake as you were! It was hell withdrawing
in those days, we had paper routes uphill both ways! He went from school to a
job to a condition to instant painful memories.
He walked into his office, he felt so self-conscious sitting down in a chair!
This man was sitting down across from him, writing down his hypothesis. He
didn't know, he had a loving supportive family; they didn't know how involved
they should get. They say he was focusing on him interjecting and commenting on
what seems fit??
Just the other year my sweet one, I was driving past I-95.
I walked up the stairway in my mind's eye;
I remembered how they creaked loudly.
He lived half awake and half asleep, if one wants to question fundamentally. He
was only responsive with a pill, he was only responsive by ER! He was only
trying to live the best way he knew he could.
He walked sometimes confused, sometimes ready to crack open wide, sometimes a
window, sometimes indignant, and sometimes hopeless. Can you imagine he paid him
100 dollars an hour sometimes; It feels like highway robbery, and sometimes it's
peanuts... He wished it was over in just a couple of more years.
So here we both are battling similar demons (not coincidentally) He sees it,
getting beyond knowing it solely intellectually... relinquishing your tapering.
He was wise, He was warm, he was courageous and strong, and mysteriously I love
you more than I ever have in my whole years!
Ode to Diane Nov 21, 1960- September, 2005
The days go by and you're not here.
I'm in a time of trying to understand with fear.
I miss the way you talked to me about living and life.
When I tried to commit suicide, you told me to hold on
and started to cry.
I miss our travels to the beach...
your hair all blond and bleached;
I would laugh and share my secrets,
and I miss the things you taught me about life;
though now I'm looking back and wishing you were here...
in my times of strife.
I would travel to Texas to see you,
and we would laugh at each others accent.
We were close, and as friends, you would overlook my flaws... and just grin. You
were my protection, my shield, and my best friend! You always carried a mystery
deep inside, and I too emotionally hide. We went shopping, I bought you a
necklace... I remember snapping it around your neck. You would talk about your
Ex out on my Apartment deck. All these little things, I truly miss... from my
heart; I am in pity, a Dark Abyss! From Earth to Heaven, I send you a kiss; I
wish you were still around, I am in trouble and pain; but I know I will see you
again. I'm now coming down off a memory I cannot explain, I have a problem... My
hands in tremor and a poison that rattles the brain! If you were still with us
and living, I know I would cherish the advice you had a special way of giving.
You once said, "Life has another hidden side." Your last words... even death
can't take away my lovely Diane. I cried the morning you died so hard, I even
wrote your name in the sand! From heaven to earth, please give me a helping
hand... I'll never forget my lovely Diane! My Guardian Mother! My Emotion drowns
in a flowered filled ocean... Ode to my God-Mother with an Angel's devotion and
plan, again, my lovely Diane.
Am I awake, or is this a dream?
It isn't a question, but a mystery!
Should I shout, should I scream?
Does life exist out of everything that it
A day comes, a day goes...
I follow the dots in rows...
I just go where life wants me too
Like water, I stream,
again, nightmare or life?
This horrible dream!
A small poem, but true.
By: Billy 11-10-07
I'd be within a lie if I said I was completely unafraid!
I might be proving nothing with my secrets and mysterious
retaliations! Could I build it up with my mind on top of reactions? How can I
explain, how could I explain this to my Wise Doctors, if I had one? "Because I
cannot, I can't afford too be misdiagnosed one more time!" Would I be too
Emotional if I said I needed a hug? Would they feel sliced or slighted, if I
said withdrawal and anxiety feels good enough? How can I complain?, complain
when I'm the one who reached for the bottle? "'cause I can walk, I can walk
without you being my crunches!" "Because I can't help wondering what would have
happened without diagnosing me!" -To all the unheard and secret wisdom in the
Medical School, you think you're the correct ones, the charming ones I'm sure...
and how can you put people on this with such convictions?
"Who do you think you are, why do you question me?"
"'cause we cannot go on with labels on us and pills all our
life with permissions!" "We can't afford too be mislead one more time!" "We
can't help ourselves, knowing your weak-willingness!"
Dec/2007 (last poem of the year)