October 2010
Hello Everyone,
My name is Kenlyn. Some of you may remember me from the old group. I cold-turkeyed Xanax 32 months ago (Feb. 2008). That is the day my benzo withdrawal began. I have been off all psych drugs just under two years. In fact, it will be exactly two years ago next month.
My history...briefly, I cold-turkeyed 2 mg. Xanax (because I truly didn't know about tapering at the time) then went on to taper off an anti-psychotic and two anti-depressants after I found Debra's group.
My withdrawal was a nightmare. The first months I never slept more than 3 hours a day. By the end of the first year I was up to four. I had multiple symptoms as I spent most of that first year tapering and in a high state of withdrawal. I will spare you the gory details as most of you are living that same nightmare.
The first year was all about the physical symptoms....the second year I still had withdrawal symptoms but spent most of that year with the mental healing. The second year took the biggest toll on my marriage as we separated but are now back together and stronger than ever.
I can remember 6 months after stopping all drugs (which was 14 months into my journey) I felt like I had just awakened from an 8 year coma. The brain fog had lifted, my emotions were back and life was in living color. This was the beginning of my mental healing. For me, this was more challenging than the physical symptoms (as horrific as those were.)
Here's the deal....when I came out of the drug coma I was stuck in the year 2001. Everyone else had continued to grow older in those eight years. Obviously, people had changed from what I remembered. I could relate to NO ONE. Because I did not grow older and wiser with them, I had stagnated ....NO ONE could relate to me either. They didn't have a clue how to relate to the Old Kenlyn who was now back, only the Comatose Kenlyn they had been dealing with for 8 years. Every relationship I had broke into a million pieces. Is any of this making sense???? It took over a year for my family and friends to finally realize I was back from that drugged state. But what a hit it took on all my relationships.
At 26 months out, I declared myself officially healed from the Benzo withdrawal. I still had a few lingering symptoms but I decided at some point you have to stop blaming the drugs for every ache and pain and move on with your life. I was a very negative, unhappy person at the point. So, I wasn't completely back to where I wanted to be.
In April, I started my Happiness Quest. I read the book, "The Happiness Project". I realized happiness doesn't just fall in your lap you have to look for it and recognize it when you see it. I did a short stint with a social worker. Joined Weight Watchers, got a new look and worked on improving myself. Because of my success with Weight Watchers I have a new career with them. I lost 42 pounds in 5 months. I will be leading meetings.
I have never regretted for one moment my journey with psych drugs. Both physically and mentally, I am better than I have ever been. That experience has made me who I am today - a stronger more confident person. I am grateful everyday for all the information I learned from the Benzo groups. am thankful for everyone who shared their wisdom with me and gave me something to hold on to. I am grateful for all the times you said I would heal and I did. I never lost sight of that.
Thank you Wendy, Mac and others who provide a service that is desperately needed. I owe my life to you guys.
Kenlyn
(No longer in bondage to Xanax, Geodon, Paxil and Wellbutrin)