Game Over…
Being an anxious type of soul, I began to ask my doctor for a magic pill to
control my general anxiety. At first he resisted my request. In time, though, he
agreed to prescribe Xanax. Initially it provided a wonderful relief from my
anxiety. So wonderful, in fact, that my body craved even more. I requested and
received permission to increase my dosage from 2 to 2.5 mg. Of course, any
relief was temporary and always required yet another pill in order stave off
much worse anxiety. Only my Xanax-induced sleep provided me with any respite
from the up-and-down travail that had become my daily routine. In short, I was
hooked - at my own request.
Life continued on and I was content to stick with my regimen for the next 17
years. Of course, there were a few unpleasant side-effects, but I tolerated them
in order to get the anxiety relief. Primary among the side-effects was a
diminished memory. I coped with that shortcoming at work by committing to paper
most of what I needed to know and by relying on co-workers who still had their
wits about them. Although I was able to maintain the status-quo for some time,
eventually my skills fell further and further behind. When our company was
purchased and my main project was slated to be transferred to the new company
headquarters, I suddenly had the motivation to recapture my lost memory.
But how could I possibly rid myself of this addictive substance? I had dry cut
down as far as I could (1.875 mg.). I previously searched the internet for a way
without success. I decided to look one more time. This time I googled “how can I
get off of xanax.” Still, I was not able to find someone - anyone - who could
point me in the right direction. I repeated my query again and again each time
removing one word from my search string. Finally I saw a web site which
mentioned this group. After joining the group I read about those who had
successfully extracted themselves from all sorts of benzos (most of which I had
never heard of). At last I could see there was hope that I could eventually be a
benzo-survivor.
Which method should I use: switch over to a longer lasting benzo such as Valium
or use the water-titration with Xanax? I decided to stick with Xanax since I was
already all too familiar with how I responded to it. If need be, I could always
approach my doctor later on about switching to Valium. Although initially my
fog-shrouded brain found the w/t method a little confusing, eventually I was
able to download the spreadsheet and customize it for my situation. After
purchasing the required paraphernalia, I chose to mix my daily dosage with 250
ml. of water. I would try to drop down 1 ml. per day..
My first day of tapering was the most glorious, but artificial anxiety-free day
that I could remember. No doubt that was because I was able spread out my intake
throughout the day and counteract the short half-life of Xanax. Secretly I
wished that had been using this methodology all along. However, my euphoria was
short-lived as the more Xanax I discarded, the more anxiety crept back into my
life. My brain continuously requested “more benzo, please.” I had to respond
that “the game was over” all the while hoping and praying that my brain would
begin to produce its own calming chemistry.
I continued with my regimen although at times I dropped 2 ml. on Saturdays and
Sundays. Eventually I got down to less than 1 mg. Although I was scared to quit
I was eager for true healing to begin. So I jumped off at .09 mg. The first few
days were difficult, but I managed to persevere. I still have my share of
anxiety and insomnia, but I hope that will fade away in time. It is still
amazing to me that I was able to free myself from such an addictive substance. I
will always be thankful for the support and tools of this group.